CHeckbook:
Fr. Joseph (and everyone) says the #1 problem he sees with couples is in regards to money. Some are savers, some are spenders, yadda yadda yadda. Aaron and I are pretty aware of each other's attitudes about money, and our typical spending habits, the amounts of debt we each have. I am really grateful that we can openly discuss finances - because it can be so easy to skirt the issue or attempt to hide those maxed out credit cards or that giant student loan. Fr. Joseph basically suggested that we have one of us be responsible for making sure all the bills get paid, and we have one pot of where all the money goes into. It is ok to have separate accounts, but there should be no secrecy about how much money is there, and especially how it is being spent because that can cause some serious tension/mistrust etc. that is damaging to your union. You can't be a psycho about it either though, demanding accountability of every dime, because you don't want that to cause a rift either. But it was mentioned that transparency has never been a bad thing in a marriage.
CHores
This topic wasn't covered in as much depth as the checkbook, but we talked about the spitting of the household duties. We discussed how, sure, things are easy now when you just have to tidy up 600 sq ft of mess created by only 2 people, but one day when we have a house and a yard and all of that, it is going to become more of a challenge and we are going to need to help each other. Though typically, and I don't think we will be the exception, the woman is the neater one(Lord, help us!). We touched on communication styles a bit in this regard as well. Am I more direct/passive aggressive when I need something done or help. It was concluded that the direct approach works well for us - if it is mess we both helped to create, it shouldn't be an issue of asking the other to help in a polite manner. We also talked about the subtle annoyances. How there will be certain things about another person that drive you up the wall. Fr. Joseph had a funny story about how he really likes the toilet paper to roll from the bottom, and his wife doesn't care one way or another. Well even though she doesn't care, it is just her habit to put it on rolling from the top. Well instead of going insane about it, Fr. Joseph decided - "I can just change the roll if it bothers me so much." I can already tell you that things like this will probably sprout in Aaron and I's marriage. I partially blame that fact that we are both going to be 30 years old and stuck in our ways of doing things, others are probably laziness or living by ourselves for too long! It'll be an adjustment, but we just have to keep in mind that little menial stuff isn't going to change most likely, so either get over it or change it yourself.
CHildren
This topic hasn't been discussed in great detail by Aaron and I, mainly just that we want kids, and we want to wait about a year after we marry to start trying for them. Aaron totally threw me under the bus though and told Fr. Joseph that I was obsessed with babies. I just love children and babies because they are so adorable and fun. I am a girl, give me a break! But yes, we talked about how having children is a big major change in your life and relationship. Sure I love babies and think they are so cute, but Fr. Joseph was clear in saying that when the children come, that is when marriage really starts to feel like work, and you can really see what your made of as a couple. And it may not be pretty, and we may be surprised to find that we weak people. But we are here to lift each other up and help each other out, and we can't lose sight of that. Also once they get older, we need to come together as far as our child rearing philosophy and back each other up. Kids are smart and they will play us against each other like fiddles if we don't have a unified approach on things. I feel like I got some good insight, but mostly it makes me want to make sure we are really really ready before we go down that road to parenthood.
CHanges
Lastly we discussed changes. The people we marry in January aren't going to be the same in 5 years, or after children, or as we grow old together. We talked about ways that he and I are there for each other, and what we bring to the relationship table. I haven't ever been in a relationship that was significantly long term or anything, but from what I know of my long term friendships, this is absolutely true. My best friend from high school is not the same girl as she was when we were 15, my best friend from college isn't the same girl that she was when we were 20. I am certainly not the same as I was when I was younger. Sure there are some things about us that are inherently who we are, but the more we learn and continue on a path we are on, we wind up in a different place. Even if you stand completely still, the rest of the world is still moving. So I think with this challenge the important things are flexibility, understanding, and managed expectations. Flexibility in knowing they will change in some form or fashion, understanding for the reasons for change (and hopefully the changes are for the better), and managed expectations for things that may never change, though you might wish they would. Like if you were marrying someone who thinks it is acceptable to go out in public in gym shorts, or socks with sandals for instance.
These conversations we all had were merely intended to be a starting point for Aaron and I to continue upon. I feel like we got some good advice and prospective on what marriage is going to take. I really enjoyed meeting with Fr. Joseph, and hearing his humorous anecdotes about marriage.
Fr. Joseph actually has a bunch of podcasts on Orthodox topics on Ancient Faith Radio - I've added the links below on his talks about marriage if anyone is interested!
http://ancientfaith.com/podcasts/orthodixie/just_an_old_fashioned_love_song
http://ancientfaith.com/podcasts/orthodixie/me_adam_you_helpmeet
1 comment:
Such good advice. Our priest told us similar things, most importantly that when you change, you have to change together. We really make an effort to remember this often..it's good adivce :)
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